There’s going to be days when you don’t want to be here anymore. You just stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice, I promise! I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on baby. The sun is coming for you.
….Erin Van Vuren
It’s National Suicide Month
Suicide. That’s right killing yourself. Is it really a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Wouldn’t cross my mind when I’m in the depths of my feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Right; you’re thinking “you had it all. You were an international model for a decade and you want to die.” I know- you don’t get it. Spend a few minutes inside of my head. During those 5 years in and out of pysch wards you’d think differently. You too would want to stop the pain. Eating a bullet, overdosing on some drug that takes me out. It sounded good.
But….but….I couldn’t do it. Something deep inside my gut told me not to. Told me there was hope. Freaking hope!! So I clung onto hope and didn’t find that gun, swallow those pills or walk into an oncoming car.
I endured. I dealt with the angst, the hopelessness and the despair. Always knowing that I had the choice to go back into that dark whole of suicide if I chose to. Then something changes.
That dark cloud showed me rays of sunshine. At first they were brief, however they were noticeable. Then that dark cloud started to fade; slowly at first. Then it evaporated completely.
I don’t know if the new meds were helping or sheer determination in my head to survive or both. But I knew I wanted to live and I fought for it. I wanted my life back. It was stolen from me for almost five years.
So, here I am. I’m human like you. I have my good days and bad days. I’m no different than you. There are days when I want to pull the covers over my head and cry. Then, thanks to having people around who love me as I am, I push the covers off and take a bath; walk my dog; write my blog and follow my passion and work on helping you!! Don’t give up hope. There is help. See your doctor and get help. It’s worth it. I promise!